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By Mina Xavier, October 1, 2009 1:48 pm

The following just took place via text, with one of my best friends in the city. It started with his complaint about his coworker’s… um, assets.

“Is it socially acceptable to tell a girl, flat-out, that I wish she would put her tits away? It’s horrendously distracting.”

I pondered this.

“Is she hanging off of a brass pole?”

[pause]

“No, what kind of jackass goes to a girly bar for lunch?”

“My ex. And his uber-cool-senate-coworker-types.”

[pause]

“I forgot about that. That’s pretty damn funny.”
[pause]
“I mean… it’s not funny. I’m sorry. “

“S’ok. It’s finally funny to me. He’s still stuck with the potato sack bar girl, who’s gained like 60# since I left him with her.”

“Dayum…”

“Are they at least appealing?”

“Which?”

“The offending mammaries. How are they?”

“They’re nice. Pale. With a tiny tattoo on the left one. She’s not wearing thick enough shirts for the decibel level of her nipples, though.”

“LMAO”

“She’s just so ridiculously titty. I’m sure that’s why she got hired. No one in the department likes her or her bullhorns.”

“What’s her job title? Is she clerical?”

“They hired her as eye candy. And to torture the uninterested, a la moi.”

“So, she’s the Token Titty Taunter?”

“OMFG. Marry me.”

“No.”

“Srsly? Why not?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”
[pause]
“I’m not opposed to legitimate heterosexuality, you know. You’re my favorite feral.”

“Just because.”

“????”

“I’m saving myself for Ann Coulter.”

“ROF I fuckin love you, bitch.”

“I’ll toast to that.”

“You’re writing my eulogy. That’s it. Done deal.”

“Oh good, I could use the exposure.”

“Lol. I’m off lunch, see you later, sweetie. <3″

“Tootlez.”

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By Mina Xavier, January 7, 2009 2:36 am

I got stuck watching Rock Of Love at a friend’s house the other night.

I had a difficult time keeping my food down.

First of all, I don’t care who the hell you think you are: you’re just a man and not a job interview.

Secondly, if you are willing to throw yourself into a cattle shoot of plastic mammaries and chemical tans just to audition to be some re-worked rock star’s trophy girlfriend, then you have just signed up for whatever mental abuse and strategic humiliation you get.

The distended skin of their chests barely kept itself from tearing under the strain of the unnatural orbs shoved underneath to the degree of looking grotesque. I actually thought that some of these girls were female impersonators. The high point was when a six foot tall Brazilian supermodel, disgusted with one of the show’s dozen blondes for dumping beer on her, started a hilarious catfight wherein she clocked her, smacked chips onto her face, and choked her. Immediately the other 23 girls were surrounding the melee in a flurry of legs, shouting, whining and beer. Primo entertainment.

The rejects from Rock Of Love get their own ridiculous reality circus, Charm School,  with Sharon Osborne. She forces them through a very bizarre sort of rehab good for its own laughs via high drama screaming matches over shampoo, stealing jewelry and spitting on one other. Scene of the century: uber-bimbo from hell Megan snerks a jab at Sharon about her family, resulting in instant retaliation. Before this Paris-wannabe knew it she was covered in Sharon’s drink and having her spray-tanned ass hauled off the set and onto the sidewalk … in a bikini.

I could get fanatical with the feminism whip but it’s pretty much pointless at this juncture. I used to be ferociously protective of other females. Now I just sit back and let kharma do its cleanup work. I don’t think I could stomach a guy who found that bullshit even remotely amusing or attractive.

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By Mina Xavier, October 24, 2008 1:59 am

According to some friends in Little Odessa (northeast Philadelphia), the American equivalent to this video would be Metallica writing a heavy metal tribute to Al Gore and filming a look-alike with laptops for arms, shooting binary code at Ronald Reagan.

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

But the ending was hilarious.